Hot as hell!!!!!

Today has been so flipping hot! It was raining and muggy the last couple of days and now it's in the 80's, wtf????? Global warming I guess. Anyhow my body hates the heat. It makes me tired, confused, grumpy, sweaty, sad, frustrated and annoyed. I can get lost in the parking lot just because its too hot. I hate it and this is just the beginning. Good thing I have a cooling vest that I wear only in the house cause it is not attractive. I have also been using ice packs on my neck and wrists(cooling points) before bed. 

I decided to go back to school and registered in a statistics course for the summer session. It was 6 weeks and I knew it would be hard but thought I could manage. I thought the material would be hard not getting through all the homework. I only lasted a week and had to drop out. My body could not handle all of the hours of homework everyday. At least in a regular semester it would be more spread out and I would have a break during the week. I was exhausted after one week that just goes to show how much my body has changed. I am still figuring out my new body and what I can handle. I am ok with deciding I can't handle something at the moment but will try again in the future!!!  

Never be the same.....

I remember when I was able to go out every night, drink and have fun, sleep a few hrs go to work and then do it all over again without a glitch. When I drank too much I dragged ass a lil but I was still good. That has all changed now and sadly will never be the same. The last time I drank was almost a year ago and it took me almost 2 weeks to recover! I loved going to the club with my friends, loved Vegas, just loved partying. Now I can't drink can't stand the heat and get tired easily. Thank you very much MS for making me a 40 year old housewife I truly appreciate it. It makes me really sad, frustrated, angry, jealous, annoyed (and many more emotions) that I cannot go out and forgot about all my worries and issues. I don't have that luxury they are with me 24-7 if I go somewhere they go too. Another great pleasure of living with this ugly ass MonSter 😡😡😡😡😡

Father's Day

Yesterday was not a better day. Normally the increase of meds takes about a week to start taking effect so I'm waiting patiently. I had a horrible nights sleep even on a bunch of sleepy meds. I woke up throughout the night then slept later than I could. I could not even get through fixing my hair without crying. Thank goodness for makeup! My MS support group was today but I was not really into so I excused my class early lol I then went to a graduation party for a young lady I watched grow into a woman. Time flies and kids grow into adults. I don't want to start thinking about my own kids because it will for sure bring on a crying spell. Shit too late....... It is past midnight and its Father's Day, woo hoo! I have a wonderful dad that I could not live without and me and my son went and bought him a cool screw driver thing. We're also going to do some chocolate dipped fruit and make dinner. I get to wish myself Happy Father's Day because I am mom and dad to my kids. Wish I could be happy but I can't right now. I honestly though MS was going to be my worst enemy but the real MonSter is depression. Depression blows and I wish I could be happy for longer periods of time. I hate when people tell me just be positive stop stressing its all how you look at things. Fuck you!!!!! 

Depression sucks..... No shit Sherlock!!!!!

It slowly creeps up on me and then is set off by a trigger and full blown depression is back. Sort of like a buzz that creeps up on you then has you slurring your words and stumbling around. I am explaining all of this to my Psychiatrist how I have slowly been getting sadder and sadder, my sleep is back to non existent, I'm emotional binge eating, crying all the time, very irritable, walking around with a fake smile. The black cloud is right over my head again and won't go away. So then my psych tells me "Sounds like your depressed again, Depression sucks!" Really I didn't know I was depressed and definitely didn't know it sucks. Can you answer my questions though, why doesn't it just go away? Why can't I be fine for longer periods of time before increasing my dosage on meds? Why am I so anxious all the time? Why doesn't anyone understand or at least try? Why me? Why, why, why?????? Cannot give me any of the information I need but he asks, "are you suicidal?" I don't have a plan to kill myself but do wish I could go away since I feel more like a burden than any sort of positive part in anyone's life. I am to much of a chicken shit to off myself but times like these think it would be easier than continuing on feeling like this. I must have done some real terrible shit to someone to deserve all of this sucks that not even medicine can keep me sane!!!!!